it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
