I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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