oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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