You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
