drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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