I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
