It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize