She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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