if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
