I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need to align my fucking chakras
My life is pants optional.
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