It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
