I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
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vagina is talking i cant
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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