Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize
