You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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