it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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