ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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