I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
