You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
