Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize