I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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