you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
