Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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