Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
