yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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