how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
