As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
