there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
