thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
