Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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