what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
