Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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