At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
