I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
a search helicopter?!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
