I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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