i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
