i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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