It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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