Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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