If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
