another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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