im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
