I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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