i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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