I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
