you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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