I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
