I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
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You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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