Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
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Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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