I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
