I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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