My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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