how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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