how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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