dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
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Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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