i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
